Am I convinced?
One of my dearest friends passed away almost two weeks ago. This friend helped me to heal as an EDS Mama. I thought that I needed to connect with other EDS Mamas to heal, but I learned that God can use different trials in life to teach the same lessons. We developed a deep friendship even though our trials were not the same. She taught me to take care of myself and taught me practical ways I could get a break from the load I was carrying. One of her favorite ways was to simply go and see a movie without discussing our burdens. I miss her terribly and I feel frozen in time. I have not felt much interest in Facebook or my blog. Here I have a verse on my blog that says I AM CONVINCED! It says "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39 NIV. Do I really believe that? A week before she suddenly passed away I had mailed out the first of four packages to moms and their EDS daughters, a mission to which I felt called. Now, I'm finding it difficult to move on in a sense. I know my friend would not be happy with me. She would want me to continue to make a difference in the lives of others. I know that what I am feeling is grief and that to heal I have to allow myself to embrace those feelings in order to move forward.
I am trying to read my bible and ask God to heal me. I have been reading on a website called www.shereadstruth.com in their “Mourning and Dancing” series. Today I read a verse to which I cling. Revelation 21:4-5 NIV says “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.' Also he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'" I thought I had seen my share of life and death as an EDS Mama, but God is teaching me that I have not. He’s asking me to sacrifice more that I hold dear. These verses in Revelation comfort me as I have cried bucketfuls since my friend died. It is hard for me to imagine no more tears and no more pain because in this lifetime, there is plenty of both! But there is coming a day such as this. God is making all things new and as a believer in Christ, I get to experience that one day just like my friend has.
The pain I feel from her loss is indescribable. But my God knows me intimately and sees every tear I shed. When my EDS daughter was facing death’s door, I was convinced. God is reminding me what that feels like in a different scenario. Don't get me wrong...I AM CONVINCED. Nothing can separate me or you from God's love. It is deeper and wider than the ocean. But at the same time that we believe these truths, our human hearts can hurt. I'm trying to take more time picturing what my dear friend must be enjoying in Heaven these days. I hope to be posting to my blog shortly and I know that God will continue the work in me that He began. I would appreciate your prayers as I continue to mourn and learn to dance again and allow God to make something new.